If you have more than one child and one of them has autism, you already know: you are parenting multiple different realities at once. The neurotypical sibling’s experience is real and complicated — and it doesn’t get talked about nearly enough. This guide is for parents trying to make sure they don’t lose one child in the effort to help another.
What siblings actually experience
The sibling experience is not one thing. It runs the full range, sometimes within the same child on the same day: fierce protectiveness and deep pride in their sibling, alongside resentment that they can’t have a playdate without it derailing, or that a meltdown at a family dinner means everyone’s leaving. Both are real. Both make sense.
One pattern worth naming is parentification: when neurotypical siblings take on a caretaking role for the autistic child — helping manage behavior, soothing meltdowns, explaining to other kids why their sibling acts a certain way. This can come from a loving place, but it’s a lot to carry for a 9-year-old. Kids who are parentified early often struggle to process their own needs or resentments because they feel too guilty to have them.
Another pattern is invisibility. When one child needs significantly more bandwidth, the other child can quietly fade into the background — getting good grades, staying out of trouble, not asking for much — while quietly struggling. These are the kids who often don’t get identified until adolescence, when the pressure builds to a breaking point. A child who is “fine” is not always fine.
None of this is a parent’s failure. It’s the reality of navigating genuine scarcity of time and energy. The goal isn’t guilt — it’s awareness, and awareness gives you the ability to respond.
How ABA can support sibling relationships
ABA is most often thought of as one-on-one work with an autistic child, but skilled practitioners know that social skills only matter if they generalize to real relationships — and siblings are among the most important real relationships in a child’s life.
Sibling training sessions are one underutilized tool. These sessions bring the neurotypical sibling in to learn alongside the autistic child — understanding why their sibling responds the way they do, learning how to play together in ways that work for both of them, and building a shared language. Siblings who understand what autism means (in age-appropriate terms) are better equipped to navigate the relationship and less likely to feel confused or resentful.
Play-based ABA programming can explicitly target social skills with siblings as the interaction partners: turn-taking, sharing attention, tolerating losing, initiating play. When the autistic child builds these skills in the real context of sibling interaction, the gains are more meaningful and more durable than skills practiced only with therapists.
Your BCBA can also help you identify the specific friction points in your children’s relationship — the trigger situations, the unintended reinforcement loops — and build a plan around them. If you want to explore what this could look like for your family, reach out to Autumn ABA. We’re in homes, which means we see the sibling relationship up close.
Practical support for NJ families
Neurotypical siblings deserve their own support, not just in relation to the family dynamic but for themselves. Here are specific resources available to NJ families:
- Sibling Support Project (siblingsupport.org): A national organization that runs Sibshops — peer workshops for brothers and sisters of people with disabilities. The format is social and fun, not clinical, and kids tend to love it. Check their website for NJ chapters or virtual options.
- Autism New Jersey (autismnj.org): Runs sibling-specific programs and support groups; their Family Support line (800-4-AUTISM) can connect you to local resources.
- Bancroft: Offers family support services including sibling programming for NJ families in various regions of the state.
- Respite care: If you can access respite — through DDD (Division of Developmental Disabilities), your insurance, or community programs — using some of that time for 1-on-1 parent time with your neurotypical child is one of the most powerful things you can do. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. It just has to be theirs.
- Individual therapy for the neurotypical sibling: A therapist who understands sibling-of-disability dynamics can make a significant difference, especially in adolescence.
And perhaps most importantly: ask the sibling how they’re doing, regularly, and mean it. Not “how was school” — but “how are you doing with everything at home?” Kids who know their parents see them can usually carry a lot.
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Schedule a free consultation Our ABA programs →Frequently asked questions
Should I tell my other kids about the autism diagnosis?
Yes, in age-appropriate terms. Children almost always know something is different — they're observing it every day. What they don't have is a framework for understanding it. Without one, they fill in the gap with stories that are often worse: 'my sibling doesn't like me,' 'I did something wrong,' 'our family is broken.' An age-appropriate explanation ('your brother's brain works differently, and sometimes that makes things hard for him') gives them understanding and a language. The Autism New Jersey website has resources specifically for talking to siblings.
How can I make sure my neurotypical child doesn't feel overlooked?
The honest answer is: you can't guarantee it, but you can do a lot. The most important things are: protected 1-on-1 time with each parent that belongs to them (even 20-30 minutes consistently matters more than a big occasional event), naming what you see ('I know this is hard and that you don't always get as much of me as you'd like, and I want you to know I see that'), and making sure their needs actually get addressed when they raise them, not deferred indefinitely. Respite care, when available, can make this more possible practically.
Does ABA ever include siblings in sessions?
Yes. While ABA sessions are primarily focused on the autistic child, many BCBAs include siblings in portions of sessions when it's clinically appropriate — particularly for building play skills, social interaction, and sibling-specific dynamics. This can also include sibling training: helping the neurotypical child understand their sibling's behavior and learn strategies for interacting in ways that work for both of them. If this is something you want to prioritize, discuss it directly with your BCBA as a goal area.
This page is general educational information, not medical advice. Every child is different — a BCBA can assess your child’s specific needs. Autumn ABA serves families in all 21 NJ counties; see where we provide ABA therapy.